Why am I so stressed in high school?

Blog #2: Why am I so stressed in high school?

What I’ll cover in this blog:

-My friends are getting better grades
-My Math teacher is a nightmare
-I feel too much pressure to cheat. Then I feel guilty
-My parents are putting too much pressure on me
-How do I convince myself and my parents that I’ll be okay?

My friends are getting better grades

We all know the one guy/girl in class who is the teacher’s pet, who aces all the tests, and the worst of all, seems to do it without any effort at all. He/She is the one who says they slept at 10pm the night before a test, when you stayed up till 2am cramming for it. He/She is the one whose grade you do not want to know, but they volunteer it anyway. “I missed the last question so I only got 92%”. When you hide your paper with the “B” on it and try to avoid direct “how did you do on the test” questions.

I’m not going to tell you “grades are not important”. I’m not going to tell you “people are different, some people learn faster and are better at test-taking”. I’m not going to tell you the names of a bunch of high school drop-outs who are all millionaires now. You know all these things. They do not help at all when you’re sitting hunched in your seat in the gaggle of the classroom feeling dumb and upset.

I will tell you that 5 hours from now, 24 hours from now, you will feel less bad. 5 years from now when you are graduating from a great college that even you thought you would not get into, these moments will seem trivial. That teacher who tortured you will be someone you will actually go and visit when you’re back home for the holidays.

My Math teacher is a nightmare

Which brings me to the dreaded teacher. The one you pray all summer you don’t get. The one you have heard horror stories about from your classmates who’ve endured her. The one who states on the first day of school that there will be no make-up tests/assignments, no extra credit, zeros for missed homework assignments, and a strict grading rubric. Worst of all is that the teacher also does not know the material and is not a good teacher. What do you do? Assuming you have already tried and failed to switch classes.

There are several options available:
1. Approach the teacher for extra help. Explain that you are struggling to understand the material. He/she may not teach well but they may suggest helpful resources. It’s important not to antagonize the teacher – they are severely underpaid for a thankless job with long hours.
2. Assemble a study group amongst your friends to help each other out – discuss the chapter before working individually on the assignments. Highlight notes before tests.
3. If you can afford it, get tutoring. Four options here:
a). Ask a senior – make sure they had the same teacher. This would be the cheapest option
b). Find online resources for the subject – practice tests, study material or notes that would help you to better understand the subject
c). Find local companies that offer group tutoring classes
d). Look for tutoring companies online -Chegg and Varsity Tutors can find you a 1:1 tutor who will come to your home – make sure the background of the tutor is related to the subject – like a PhD student tutoring Math/Physics. This would be the priciest option.

One thing you should definitely not do is the easiest option for some students – cheating.

I feel too much pressure to cheat. Then I feel guilty

There are many teachers, especially in public schools, who never change their assignments and tests year to year. And there are black market papers and online links to all the previous year’s tests, easily available to any student who looks for them. It can be very tempting to cheat.

The International Center for Academic Integrity (academicintegrity.org/resources/facts-and-statistics) shows this chart:

The rationalization is simple – “everyone in my class is cheating so it’s not such a bad thing to do”, “I have to get a good score on this test to recover my grade – just this one time”. There are of course many students who do not have qualms about doing it, who think the end justifies the means. There are many however for whom cheating adds to their stress in two ways:
1. Getting caught – the consequences are significant – 0 on the test, damaged reputation amongst peers, maybe even a note on the transcript, parents’ disappointment and anguish.
2. Guilt – to the students who cheated out of desperation and feel remorse about it, the guilt eats away at them, causing them to lose sleep and even consider confessing just to relieve the burden.
The ones whose parents are pushing them the most feel this pressure the most.

My parents are putting too much pressure on me

Tiger Moms, helicopter parents. We’ve heard all the horror stories of parents who force children to study the whole summer starting from 4th grade, who yell at every bad test score and some who even beat their kids. What if this is your mom or dad. What if you are the kid who cries silently at their desk because your dad just called you dumb and irresponsible for scoring an 85 on a test. Or beat you on your arm or leg so you need to wear full-sleeves to school the next day. Or, although it is hard to believe this is worse, your mom starts crying and laying all the emotional guilt trip on you about how much she is doing for you and this is how you are repaying her.

I’ve been there myself, yelling at my son for a bad test and blurting out names in the heat of the moment. I always felt bad afterwards. The important thing for the parent and the child to realize is that the child is not dumb even if they did something dumb. Everyone does something stupid, nearly everyday. Even in the heat of the moment the parent should have enough self-reflection to say “you did an irresponsible thing today” instead of name-calling “you are irresponsible”. Parents lash out out of frustration. They want the best for their children and they feel their child is not living up to their potential. I get it, I totally get it. But ask yourself the price you are paying for unleashing your anger and disappointment at your child. He/she is already assaulted from all sides with pressure and the house is supposed to be their safe space. Even if they do forgive you for your outburst, they will not forget that you made them feel small and less-than.

And the kids need to remember – this is a momentary interaction and does not define your relationship with your parents. If they are being abusive please seek the help of a counselor or teacher at school since it is never okay for them to hit you! If they are otherwise loving, stay calm through their tirade and explain the circumstances leading to the poor test score or grade.

Reassure them and yourself that you’ll be okay.

How do I convince myself and my parents that I’ll be okay?

You’ve lived long enough now to know your own strengths – every single person in the world has their own talents and skills. It takes longer for some people to find the path that works for them. And sometimes life (or parents, peer pressure, college requirements) does not give you the flexibility to explore all your options in high school. Just know that you will find your own road. The “dream” college you simply HAVE to get into? It may not even be the right fit for you if you do get in. Believe in the power of you! No matter where you go to college, no matter what field of study you choose, you can make a successful career out of it if you believe enough in yourself. You can do it! And if you have any questions about your goal to get admitted, just “Ask Me Anything”!